life without work or school is bad

Boredom. Seriously nothing to do, no one to talk to, and going crazy. Regular work starts in 3 days -- hallelujah.

The question of internet is still up in the air. My roommate had said that she would like to get it, but at the moment she doesn't seem to think it's urgent. Since I've had NOTHING to do, I've been really wishing we had a hook up in our apartment. However, if I'm able to check my email at school (most schools block email accounts on their network, some of them only block yahoo and hotmail types so I could still get to uwalumni mail, maybe), then maybe I wouldn't be so desperate at my home. Over the years, the internet has become a huge part of my evening relaxation routine, plus there are the weekends. But, if I don't have access, then maybe I'll be forced to be more active and tidy (I have found that I clean a lot more when I don't have anything to do).

Pretty much, the question is, am I strong enough to resist my internet addiction. If I am, then having internet would be a good thing, because it is an invaluable reference tool for everything from school-work at home, looking up events to go to, and those wonderful maps and driving directions. But, if I cannot resist, then I'm better off staying "unconnected" so I'm forced to be more resourceful with my time.

The good news is that this is the type of problem I have in my life. So so very glad that this is as severe as it gets right now.

It's the little things...

It's always said that it's the little things in life that bring the most joy. Perhaps the little things can also bring on the most fear, confusion, doubt, or other negative feelings. Every once in a while a thought will cross my mind that will make me terrified to start teaching this fall. Example: Just the other day I was thinking about teaching, and I realized that I have to give out grades. I have to assign point values to student work that will determine what grade they get in my class. Fears stemming from this are multi-leveled. Partly this comes from knowing many students who I have poured large amounts of energy into and while I saw growth in our one-on-one times, the student would often not fare any better on written work. So there is a sadness in having to give a poor grade to a student who has shown improvement.

But then there is also the lack of trust I have in myself to be consistent. Can I indeed hold the same standards for every paper that crosses my desk and therefore grade "fairly"? I doubt myself.

And then there is personal failure. When a student (or many many students) bomb a test, who actually fails? Many would say that it is the student who earns his or her grade in a class, but when you consider that I am the one who taught the material to the students, and I am also the one who designed the test, it seems that the blame may fall closer to here than there.

I'd like to think that my teaching experience will be all sorts of joy and fun times. But I know (or rather I have been told) that this is a stressful job, and that the first year or years are the toughest. Friends will tell me "you have nothing to worry about" "you're going to be great" ... and I thank them for supporting me. However, it is really only me who will determine how the first year and years go. Will I be able to hold myself together? Will I be able to act out all the things I've learned about teaching adolescents in the past years? Can I maintain sanity and get out of the year having done at least a decent job at teaching?

I say "I" and those of you who know me really well know that I very much believe in the Christian God, so therefore believe all the things the Bible says about never truly being alone and not being able to do anything without the aid of Christ. And that all does apply here. But yet so much does rely on me, because if I can't stay focused on and connected to Christ, then I will not benefit from that fruit (that's the whole "vine and branches" thing you'll find in the book of John). And I prove to myself over and over again that I will enjoy periods of wonderful connectedness, only to go through weeks or months of distance from really living what I believe.

Such problems there are with human nature. Not being able to consistently act on what we believe is among them.

Perhaps I've gotten too heavy for 11:30 on a Saturday night. Time for some sleep.

Much love,

NYTimes.com: Moses' Top Ten

Guest Columnist: Moses' Top Ten
By SARAH VOWELL
The Ten Commandments and original sins.


A bit of a rip on Texas, but it's also a rip on every person to ever live.

Into the Orange and Black

It has happened. I have a job. This fall I will be teaching Algebra and Geometry to mostly freshmen at Oregon High School. (Oregon is a city just south of Madison, WI, for those of you who didn't know. I lived in Madison 2 or 3 years before I knew that such a place existed, so don't feel like you should know...)

It is all fun and exciting, but after the initial flattery of being offered a job, I'm back to feeling like life is as it has been for the past 22 years. But in a couple weeks I will be signing a contract and learning about my benefits and getting keys to a school and room that will be mine. At that point I expect I will have a better understanding that life has indeed changed. That I am truly an adult now. And that I will be solely responsible for the acquisition of math knowledge for a select group of students. A new adventure it is.

My school colors are orange and black. I do not recall what my mascot is, probably some sort of cat. (Of course, once a Badger, always a Badger...) Orange and black are such awful colors. I was majorly involved in my high school: choir, band, forensics, theatre, sports, even a bit of school government. I loved being at football games and dressing from head to toe in purple and gold and painting my fingernails purple and gold and making hair ribbons that were purple and gold. My high school's number one enemy was the Plymouth Panthers -- school colors: orange and black. My dad went to the same high school I did, so he knows the evil of orange and black as well. My mom went to a different high school whose colors were red and black, but their enemy school had orange and black as colors, so she knows they are evil too. But now I have to embrace them. The good news is I like wearing black. And some fashionable things can be done with orange. I think I'll get used to it :)

the latest on the job front

What's the news on the job hunt? I had an interview yesterday in Sun Prairie for their alternative high school. I didn't know much about the school when I went into the interview, so I asked them just about as much as they asked me. Turns out the school is pretty small (3 full time teachers, 45 students). It sounds like a cool school, but I'm not sure it's for me at this point. But I don't have to think about making that decision until I get a phone call from them.

Coincidentally, my typing this was interrupted by a phone call from Oregon (the city in WI, not the state), and now I have an interview there this coming Tuesday. That's very good news.

And in the realm of me being a bit of an eclectic person, I am also in communications with an independent boarding school 20 miles west of Boston. I might even get to fly out there this summer to check it out. It's a context for a school that I've never come close to experiencing, but that makes it wildly appealing at the moment. I feel that I could take a break from wisconsin life for a few years and experience the east coast and this element of boarding schools, and then happily come back to "home."

But it's all up in the air yet. I just have to wait to see which one of the paths my feet end up falling onto. --And that truly is what if feels like -- I'm not making decisions anymore, now I'm just following whatever falls into place. I'm definitely operating on the belief right now that I can't make the wrong choice, and that no matter where I end up this fall, God will do his work in me and with me through that situation. Faith, patience, trust, and wisdom are the virtues I'm avidly seeking these days.

inspiring ... at least if your an activist

One of my students (during my middle school student teaching) did her autobiography book report for comm arts class on Sophie Scholl, a young woman activist who lived in germany during nazi control. She and her brother were members of the White Rose resistance movement, and she was executed for treason by guillotine at the age of 22. The student who did her book report on Sophie shared this quote with the class:

The real damage is done by those millions who want to "survive." The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves-or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honor, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn.

short notice, don't you think?

This morning I get an email from Sun Prairie's assistant principal, asking if I could come for an interview at 12:30 on Friday. FRIDAY. Talk about short notice. Good thing I have a nice cooperating teacher. Geesh

Check it

hey look. it's a blog with my name on it. we'll see if i ever get this thing up and running. in the meantime, i'll just muse about the fact that i have one.

laters