Duct Tape... Saving lives since 1942

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (AP) -- NASA's plan for unstable astronauts: Duct tape, tranquilizers

Spring!

Some pictures from Monday's beautiful glimpse of what's to come :)

The cats liked the weather, too.

gaining from hurt

recent sermons and life situations of friends have caused me to reflect on suffering. we all know the cliche "no pain, no gain," and in fact we know it to be true in many areas of life, including our spiritual journey towards God. various scripture passages tell us that only in our weakness and brokeness can we be strong in God.

i have a hard time with this. when i'm broken, i'm broken. there is no strength. in my days of darkness, i often try to turn to God, but my darkness manages to block my efforts. so my question to the heavens becomes not 'why do you let me suffer' but 'why do you let me suffer in such a way that i can't find You?'

even more disturbing is what a friend said to me last night during Bible study: 'your hurt will eventually minister to others if it hasn't already.'

why is that distrurbing? because my hurt will minister to others. sure, that's great. being able to help others is fantastic and when i'm able i love to help. but in my hurt, i need my pain to minister to me. selfish? completely. that's why i'm disturbed. when i hear of strength coming from weakness i want it to be my own strength, not others. i expect that the person to benefit most from my own pain is myself. my ego is being knocked down and restructured as i try to come to grips with the fact that my pain will not bring me glory. i may be getting stronger with each difficult day i survive, but that strength is likely intended to aid in the building up of others, not myself.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

hurdles and pole vault and parents, oh my!

It has started.

Monday was the first day of track season. That means I can give up all hope of returning to my home before 7pm on weeknights until the beginning of June. Track is great, but the hours are killer. Today we had a pretty good practice. I'm "co-coaching" lots of stuff this year: sprints, hurdles, and pole vault. Pole vault will be my main responsibility, followed by hurdles, and in between time I'll be yelling at sprinters to run faster and push themselves to make it to the top of the hill at full speed. Lots of fun kids, most of whom work hard and a few of whom actually listen well to coaches' advice (it's that quality called "being coachable" that we all love to see in others).

To add to the craziness of the week, spring parent teacher conferences are this week Tuesday and Thursday. Last night was good, but the 4 hours of talking to parents absolutely wipes me out. It's such an up and down time -- with one parent I'm talking about a kid's great work ethic and humorous personality, and the next we could be discussing how a kid's depression is really blockading any positive academic performance.

The week ends with the Texas Instruments International Conference in Chicago. 5 math teachers from my school will be heading down early Friday morning to our "calculator conference." In one respect it'll be a nice get away and a good learning experience... in another, I just want to come home Friday night and crawl in bed at 8pm and not get up until noon. Sleep hasn't appeared on my agenda for March, but maybe April there will be a few extra hours...

I shouldn't complain. I've got a sweet life with all the comforts of the average American (maybe even above average?). It's all just another lesson in humility and thankfulness.

lyrics for life

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

-Building 429 "No One Else Knows"

These lyrics tend to be my refuge when I feel "broken" (I don't think there is a better word). The line that especially speaks to me is in that 2nd stanza...

"Only you could understand/the emptiness inside my head..."

There are so many things I don't understand about life. For instance, what benefit could there be from me feeling utterly empty? I have a faith in God and know that I'm saved through the grace of Christ, so why would I feel empty? I find some reassurance in other lyrics...

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

-Natalie Grant, "Held"

And of course there is the writings of Paul...

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it[the thorn in my flesh] away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

Still I don't buy it. Or rather, I buy it on principle -- it makes sense and I believe it to be true. But I don't feel that its true. When I'm depressed or feeling weak and hurt, it is hard to call on the Lord. Not that I'm angry or displeased with Him in those times, but blockades that are in my mind keeping away the happiness are also keeping away thoughts of God and his goodness.

So it is my struggle. Currently they are complicated by knowing a Godly man who my emotions tell my mind I should be wanting to pursue, but the reality of the moment is that isn't possible, hasn't been possible for quite some time, and may not ever be possible.

But I beg you not to think this odd post is a classification of my everyday life. Quite the contrary, I usually don't feel this way, but when I do I just want to call out to someone to hear me. Sometimes I call out to God and I feel like he responds in comfort for me, but today isn't one of those days. So I'm calling out to the void of cyber-space... not so that someone responds, but just to feel that I was able to have a voice. I invite you to do the same whenever you need.