i have a hard time with this. when i'm broken, i'm broken. there is no strength. in my days of darkness, i often try to turn to God, but my darkness manages to block my efforts. so my question to the heavens becomes not 'why do you let me suffer' but 'why do you let me suffer in such a way that i can't find You?'
even more disturbing is what a friend said to me last night during Bible study: 'your hurt will eventually minister to others if it hasn't already.'
why is that distrurbing? because my hurt will minister to others. sure, that's great. being able to help others is fantastic and when i'm able i love to help. but in my hurt, i need my pain to minister to me. selfish? completely. that's why i'm disturbed. when i hear of strength coming from weakness i want it to be my own strength, not others. i expect that the person to benefit most from my own pain is myself. my ego is being knocked down and restructured as i try to come to grips with the fact that my pain will not bring me glory. i may be getting stronger with each difficult day i survive, but that strength is likely intended to aid in the building up of others, not myself.
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
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