lyrics for life

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

-Building 429 "No One Else Knows"

These lyrics tend to be my refuge when I feel "broken" (I don't think there is a better word). The line that especially speaks to me is in that 2nd stanza...

"Only you could understand/the emptiness inside my head..."

There are so many things I don't understand about life. For instance, what benefit could there be from me feeling utterly empty? I have a faith in God and know that I'm saved through the grace of Christ, so why would I feel empty? I find some reassurance in other lyrics...

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

-Natalie Grant, "Held"

And of course there is the writings of Paul...

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it[the thorn in my flesh] away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

Still I don't buy it. Or rather, I buy it on principle -- it makes sense and I believe it to be true. But I don't feel that its true. When I'm depressed or feeling weak and hurt, it is hard to call on the Lord. Not that I'm angry or displeased with Him in those times, but blockades that are in my mind keeping away the happiness are also keeping away thoughts of God and his goodness.

So it is my struggle. Currently they are complicated by knowing a Godly man who my emotions tell my mind I should be wanting to pursue, but the reality of the moment is that isn't possible, hasn't been possible for quite some time, and may not ever be possible.

But I beg you not to think this odd post is a classification of my everyday life. Quite the contrary, I usually don't feel this way, but when I do I just want to call out to someone to hear me. Sometimes I call out to God and I feel like he responds in comfort for me, but today isn't one of those days. So I'm calling out to the void of cyber-space... not so that someone responds, but just to feel that I was able to have a voice. I invite you to do the same whenever you need.